break up part 5

smart when crazy, einstein turned lazy, chris turned insane after the damn break up, harder to get over than weed, internally i can't deny i still bleed, i really didn't expect this, i got hurt, and still hurting, and what makes it worse, i am sick, can't get out of this, stuck in my room asleep, closing my eyes and all i see, all i see is nothing, drowning, and hoping that this pain will quickly evaporate from my pores, it freaking hurts, man, the crazy thing is that i tried and what hurts most is my pride, cutting out my ego, freaking hurts, but i only need time, i thought about cigs and weed but im done with that, i ain't going to play the crazy card, i was thinking about it, but thats not me, nose is stuffed, feeling down and it looks like i ran out of luck again, saying to myself that it was my fault, that i wasn't good enough, honestly i can take a break up but what i can't take is self pity and even worse if she feels bad for me, i just don't want to look weak, and i thought i would not get attached, but i guess i got hit with a punch that i didn't see coming, i thought she was really into me, and she is, change that to was, and everything now was a 'was', was together, was sleeping with each other was talking to each other, was texting each other,but now it is just over, and my phone is empty and lonely, just like me, and i am not used to it, i just want to get over it as fast as i can, i just can't, and for now i won't but i have to sooner or later accept it, walk without her by my side, see it is ok if i saw it coming, but didn't i was happily running and i lost her along the way, and i just have to get it in that this is the better way, and she told me that it was detrimental for her future, but why do i still think it is my fault?